"she's so cool"
apr 11, 2026
how i am today
am I chill? people would say so. often their first impression. it is what I try very hard to be for myself too. the effort to be effortless. I’ve done this internally for so long I think I have deceived myself to believing this was always who I naturally was.
what does a typical week look like for me? most of it is spent alone. going to my favorite places alone. listening, watching, and reading my favorite things alone. eating alone. initiating and preparing for the next time I will spend with another person. and it seems quiet, but in practice I’ve found and developed this expected routine that works for me.
I don’t repeat things that I find just okay. but when I find the thing (or person) that I feel is above par, I will make it (or them) a fixture of my life.
I’m not a sentimental person when it comes to people or things. the type of friendship that I’ve come to prefer and practice extends only to spending time together that has been well planned, well considered, and thoughtful of both people’s time and emotional effort.
mystery and privacy were what I deduced to be the keys to long-lasting relationships. the common denominator in my favorite friendships. the secret sauce of friendship. I give you my best self, the self I want to be around as well, and you give me yours.
the physical and emotional distance between me and people I consider friends and my family was not a requirement I consciously implemented. but reflecting on how that came to be, it doesn’t surprise me how it became that way and why it’s so comfortable for me. the optimal situation for me even, and I never found it lacking.
why i am like this
I don’t think I knew I was doing this. I was just happy to have friends. to have people in my life, albeit in small fun-packed spurts. I never felt territorial or jealous about people. I was just grateful for the time they wanted to give me. and if this could go on forever like this, I’d be blessed. because growing up, I didn’t have this, so this was all I ever could ask for as an adult.
it was actually really good for me for a long time. or at least I believed it was. I never expected anything from anyone, so I was never disappointed. it was really nice. if I wanted anything, I always felt that I had to do it all myself and be prepared before I ever stepped foot in anywhere or engaged in anything. even if sometimes I did really need the help, I just struggled through figuring it out. because that still seemed much better than the alternative.
disappointment and being let down was something I tried very hard to not feel. it hurt too much from my experience. the helplessness of it. and the only way I knew how to avoid it was to not have any expectations of people. or what I considered the bare minimum: just show up. and people in my adult life actually did when I asked them to. and for that I was so grateful.
I loved feeling grateful. it was a novel feeling for a long time. and it was only possible because I had absolutely no expectations of people to initiate or do anything for me other than showing up.
where it stems from
I don’t think I realized how much this probably comes from the lack of my family’s presence when I was growing up. and the kicker always was was that I felt that I couldn’t be upset or feel any type of way about it. why they weren’t around more or even show up when they said they would.
the reason is work. the reason is something came up I couldn’t have predicted. the reason is I’m doing all this for you in the end and I’m working myself to the bone for you so I was late. the reason is I’m so exhausted I could die, so I overslept. the reason is I do care about you but I can’t show it in the way you’re asking for. the reason is I am depressed and can barely care about myself to consider how you feel or care about what you need. I just can’t give you physical presence and communication because I don’t know how, sorry not sorry.
so what happens over time? I accept it for what it is. because I don’t want to be sad anymore. I don’t want to feel angry or lonely. I learn that there are actually other people who would show up for me and want to spend time with me. so I get it from them instead. and that was a true gift.
how this started to crack
the first person that made me feel like there could be more to friendship that I wasn’t considering, was you. and you did it so gradually I didn’t even realize it. it wasn’t like you had any shortage of friends old or new, and definitely no shortage of plans to make with them.
for a long time, if I were to label myself in your pool of friends, I would’ve confidently and happily said I was in group B. and honestly I’d label myself as group B for all my friends that I really enjoy hanging out with.
group B is good. it’s being invited to a bachelorette but not asked to plan because I’m not a bridesmaid. it’s being a wedding guest but not staying on the ceremony property because I’m not family or in the wedding party. not being invited is good too because I never had any expectations of the friendship.
out of everyone that I saw the past couple years, you quietly clocked the most hours. just from sheer volume of small trips together. and although we became more familiar and grew fonder of each other, I don’t think I developed any expectations or desired label from you as a friend.
and then you mention being each others bridesmaids, at a time when neither of us were engaged yet and I did not even consider having bridesmaids for myself. I remember being very surprised that that was how you considered me, as someone you would bestow that honor to. The moment felt incredibly tender, but more than anything I felt that I didn’t deserve it. and I wasn’t sure exactly why. but maybe it was because I knew I had worked hard to only show a carefully formed version of myself up until this point. it made me wonder if you ever considered there was more of me you didn’t know or if you assumed you had seen it all and knew me fully already.
and even still I don’t think I added any expectations after that comment. I liked the version I gave you. you seemed to like it too. though I don’t think I would have considered bridesmaids if it wasn’t for that comment. I was very on the fence about it, and actually doubted my decision afterwards quite a bit. but because you asked, I wanted to give you the honor of being my bridesmaid. in a way I think I would have given you anything I could in my power because I valued our friendship so much. I think you became the first person I ever felt sentimental about.
what cracked that trajectory was when you, my fondest friend, started making small but frequent promises you couldn’t always keep. they weren’t ever serious. I could absolutely forgive, forget and brush them off like I always had for other people. but sometimes the change in plans threatened my deep need of always being prepared.
I have irrational airport anxiety. I have irrational customer service anxiety. I have anxiety when I don’t have all the information myself. I make a list of everything I need before I go anywhere. so the repeat offenses messed me up over time. I started wondering why I was suddenly such a wreck and unprepared constantly. and it was because I started placing trust in my friend who I had convinced I was a chill girl.
and I felt the familiar feeling again that I was not allowed to feel any type of way about it. the reasons were always valid. I am wrong for expecting too much. even if you overpromised and underdelivered. I shouldn’t read into it that much. but it was deep for me. it cracked this system of self reliance I built for myself so carefully. I trusted when I shouldn’t have. and again it’s on me that I did that to myself. so again I must not show it and eliminate the resentment as soon as possible. it doesn’t achieve anything positive. it will only destroy things I worked so hard to build.
and that’s why I was such an emotional wreck this week. it was so familiar. I experienced this over and over with my family and past friendships. me realizing this made me want to run away from it. I don’t need another source of this. I knew this would destroy me so I needed to make it stop.
and the solution I realized was to just retract the trust in the friendship. but it felt like a breakup, although just one sided from me. I was actually heartbroken. I went through all the stages of grief on my end. I couldn’t stop randomly crying for 5 days now, morning and night. couldn’t stay asleep either. would wake up from the smallest of sounds and light, and then start ruminating on all of this again.
where to go from here
so back to the beginning: am I chill? depends how long you spend with me. I think I mastered the art of it for up to 3 days at a time. the length of a music festival. or destination wedding. and after that point you might just find that what I am is quite literally the opposite.
does this mean I am faking who I am? cosplaying a chill girl when in reality I have absolutely no chill? I don’t think so. I believe we are all the product of how we spend our time. and in the last several years after I moved out of my family home, I have made this my daily practice. so it is my reality. I just didn’t realize that my evolution could be unraveled as I slowly got closer to you, my favorite friend, and I started to unknowingly relinquish emotional control.
and know that I’m not doing this for your or anyone else’s benefit. I truly want this for myself. I am happiest when I put in this much effort to self regulate. the effort to manifest effortlessness. and for now I can’t imagine wanting anything else for myself other than this for the rest of my life.
in terms of our friendship, I still very much value it. but I don’t think I’m strong enough to go through what I have been for the past couple months again. so my solution is to undo the source of it for now, which is trust. it’s evident I need more time to become emotionally stronger on my end. you don’t deserve having to deal with my volatility and walk on eggshells around me. I know that feeling all too well. so we’ll just take a couple steps back and go from there.